How do I manage to avoid arguments with my wife? 我如何避免与妻子争吵？

Actually, it didn’t take long for the two of us to make significant progress in understanding the principles and methodologies of handling the root causes of arguments. Eventually, we reached a point where there wasn’t much to argue about, and even if we were feeling moody, we knew why and how to resolve it.
实际上，没过多久，我们俩在理解处理争论根本原因的原则和方法方面取得了重大进展。最终，我们到达了一个没有太多可争论的地步，即使我们感到喜怒无常，我们也知道为什么以及如何解决它。

Here’s a small detail:
这里有一个小细节：

The key to successful communication is that both parties are reasonable and willing to adhere to agreements.
成功沟通的关键是双方都通情达理，愿意遵守协议。

In my opinion, compared to computers, people are much weaker. Perhaps as some people say, computers can never surpass humans because humans have souls. However, I feel that there are very few people with souls. Most people not only lack souls, but their hardware (central processors, memory, hard drives, displays) are also in a sorry state.
在我看来，与计算机相比，人要弱得多。也许正如一些人所说，计算机永远无法超越人类，因为人类有灵魂。但是，我觉得有灵魂的人很少。大多数人不仅缺乏灵魂，而且他们的硬件（中央处理器、内存、硬盘驱动器、显示器）也处于令人遗憾的状态。

However, for two computers to communicate, both sides must adhere to the same protocols. There are many protocols, such as POP, IMAP, TCP/IP, FTP, HTTP, UDP, ICMP, BitTorrent. Different protocols are used in different scenarios and for different requirements. Failing to open a specific protocol on a computer means it cannot participate in certain types of communication. Isn’t that enlightening?
但是，要使两台计算机进行通信，双方必须遵守相同的协议。有许多协议，例如 POP、IMAP、TCP/IP、FTP、HTTP、UDP、ICMP、BitTorrent。不同的方案使用不同的方案，满足不同的要求。未能在计算机上打开特定协议意味着它无法参与某些类型的通信。这难道不很有启发性吗？

Communicating between advanced operating systems (e.g., multitasking) and low-level operating systems (e.g., single-tasking) is very difficult because for advanced operating systems, “backward compatibility” is not just hard, it’s practically impossible to overcome. In fact, “backward compatibility” is only a good wish, not something that can actually be achieved.
高级操作系统（例如，多任务处理）和低级操作系统（例如，单任务处理）之间的通信非常困难，因为对于高级操作系统来说，“向后兼容性”不仅很难，而且几乎不可能克服。事实上，“向后兼容”只是一个美好的愿望，并不是真正可以实现的。

So, when choosing a partner, it’s best to…
因此，在选择合作伙伴时，最好…

Find an operating system of the same level.
查找相同级别的操作系统。
If an upgrade is needed, upgrade together.
如果需要升级，请一起升级。
The friends around me all have happy families. They all have these two characteristics. It’s not because I’m lucky, but because I generally only choose such people as friends. If they weren’t like this, it would be hard for me to communicate with them.
我身边的朋友都有幸福的家庭。它们都具有这两个特征。不是因为我运气好，而是因为我一般只选择这样的人做朋友。如果他们不是这样，我就很难和他们沟通。

People often joke that “having incompatible values is the most damaging to a relationship,” but it’s not really a joke. In a sense, the so-called values are a part of the operating system.
人们经常开玩笑说“价值观不相容对一段关系的伤害最大”，但这并不是真正的笑话。从某种意义上说，所谓的值是操作系统的一部分。

Of course, “values” is a term with a special socialist connotation, as it seems to have originated from Marx: beliefs, life view, value system. It’s said that in 2009, Comrade Hu Jintao upgraded his operating system and put forth “new values” (Marx’s values then becoming “old values” or “previous values”): views on career, work, achievements. However, it seems Comrade Hu Jintao’s values are not particularly relevant to us ordinary folks.
当然，“价值观”是一个具有特殊社会主义内涵的术语，因为它似乎起源于马克思：信仰、人生观、价值体系。据说，2009年，胡锦涛同志升级了自己的操作系统，提出了“新价值观”（马克思的价值观后来成为“旧价值观”或“以前的价值观”）：对事业、工作、成就的看法。但是，胡锦涛同志的价值观似乎与我们普通人并不特别相关。

Although the lowest-level file transfer can be completed across operating systems, the vast majority of applications are not cross-platform. What can be used on a desktop may not work on a smartphone, what can run on DOS probably won’t run on Windows (and vice versa), what can run on Windows may not have a Mac OS version (and vice versa). Even though Mac OS and Linux are closely related operating systems, there are still many applications that are not cross-compatible.
尽管最低级别的文件传输可以跨操作系统完成，但绝大多数应用程序都不是跨平台的。可以在桌面上使用的东西可能无法在智能手机上运行，可以在 DOS 上运行的东西可能无法在 Windows 上运行（反之亦然），可以在 Windows 上运行的东西可能没有 Mac OS 版本（反之亦然）。尽管 Mac OS 和 Linux 是密切相关的操作系统，但仍有许多应用程序不交叉兼容。

When choosing a partner, it seems that the vast majority of people don’t care about the most core and important “operating system,” but focus on other aspects—mistakenly thinking that these are the important aspects. That’s where the problem lies. For instance, “marrying into the same social class” might actually be about finding a “suitable, compatible operating system.” However, this approach is not straightforward, not fundamental, and not simple enough, so it always leads to various mistakes, causing different tragedies.
在选择合作伙伴时，似乎绝大多数人并不关心最核心和最重要的“操作系统”，而是关注其他方面——错误地认为这些是重要的方面。这就是问题所在。例如，“嫁入同一社会阶层”实际上可能是为了找到一个“合适的、兼容的操作系统”。然而，这种做法并不直接，不根本，也不够简单，所以总是导致各种错误，造成不同的悲剧。

In my opinion, all the trivialities, the babbling, ultimately occur between low-level, protocol-confused operating systems. Sometimes, advanced operating systems may “argue” with low-level operating systems, and the high-level one is always at a disadvantage in the end. If you don’t believe me, just observe carefully and you’ll come to the same conclusion.
在我看来，所有的琐碎，喋喋不休，最终都发生在低级的、协议混乱的操作系统之间。有时，高级操作系统可能会与低级操作系统“争论”，而高级操作系统最终总是处于劣势。如果你不相信我，只要仔细观察，你就会得出同样的结论。

Don’t argue with fools, they will drag you into their world and quickly destroy everything you have with their years of rich experience. They triumph without returning, and then you’re in trouble without a way back.
不要和傻瓜争论，他们会把你拖进他们的世界，用他们多年的丰富经验迅速摧毁你所拥有的一切。他们胜利了，却没有回头，然后你就陷入了无路可退的麻烦。

—This is not a joke.
——这不是开玩笑。

Fortunately, everyone can actively upgrade their own operating system. The only difference is whether they are aware, willing, and have the desire to continuously upgrade… Of course, some people are “unable to upgrade,” but to be honest, in the vast majority of cases, this is their own doing.
幸运的是，每个人都可以主动升级自己的操作系统。唯一的区别是他们是否意识到、愿意并有不断升级的愿望……当然，有些人“无法升级”，但说实话，在绝大多数情况下，这是他们自己的行为。

About two years ago, while enjoying coffee with Jiang Tao, Zhang Hui, and Peng Ying in a place in Wangjing, we chatted, and I mentioned something:
大约两年前，在望京的一个地方，我们和江涛、张辉、彭莹一起喝咖啡时，聊了起来，我提到了一件事：

Maintaining charm with the opposite sex is quite simple: continual learning and ongoing improvement.
保持与异性的魅力很简单：不断学习和不断改进。

Why does the so-called “seven-year itch” generally exist in marriage? My explanation is simple:
为什么所谓的“七年之痒”普遍存在于婚姻中？我的解释很简单：

Seven years is a lifetime, a lifetime has passed, and in the next life, you will still have to live the same life. How boring.
七年是一辈子，一辈子过去了，下辈子，你还是要过同样的生活。多么无聊。

So, in a relationship, at least one person should upgrade, and it’s even better if the one who upgrades first can help the other upgrade too… After the upgrade, it’s a different world, a different scene, and you’ll be so happy that you won’t have time for trivialities.
所以，在一段关系中，至少有一个人应该升级，如果先升级的那个人也能帮助另一个人升级，那就更好了……升级后，这是一个不同的世界，一个不同的场景，你会非常高兴，你没有时间去做琐碎的事情。

That said, summarizing it now, it’s quite simple: the method for a couple to avoid arguing or gradually reduce the frequency of arguments is simply to:
也就是说，现在总结一下，很简单：一对夫妇避免争吵或逐渐减少争吵频率的方法很简单：

Create agreements together,
一起创建协议，
Adhere to the agreements together,
共同遵守协议，
Upgrade the agreements together…
一起升级协议…

Well, that’s how it is. My wife and I have hardly argued in over 20 years.
嗯，就是这样。20多年来，我和妻子几乎没有吵过架。

Certainly, there are many people around us who should be close, but in reality, we are not so close to them – relatives. I don’t know why, but I find it difficult to grow together with relatives, perhaps due to the changes in modern life structures. Another group is the same, old classmates – despite having a strong feeling of closeness, we have long lost the opportunity to grow together. What should I do?
当然，我们周围有很多人应该很亲近，但实际上，我们并没有那么亲近他们——亲戚。我不知道为什么，但我发现很难和亲戚一起成长，也许是由于现代生活结构的变化。另一组也是一样，老同学——尽管有很强的亲近感，但我们早已失去了共同成长的机会。我该怎么办？

One time, I borrowed a concept from the computer world and developed a methodology – the concept of:
有一次，我从计算机世界中借用了一个概念，并开发了一种方法论——概念：

Virtual Machine 虚拟机

Initially, I used VMWare on my computer, but now I use Oracle’s VirtualBox. When I need to use software from the Windows XP era, I open a virtual machine and run an old system inside it, enabling me to run old software that may not work outside the virtual machine.
最初，我在计算机上使用 VMWare，但现在我使用 Oracle 的 VirtualBox。当我需要使用 Windows XP 时代的软件时，我会打开一个虚拟机并在其中运行一个旧系统，使我能够运行可能无法在虚拟机之外运行的旧软件。

Later on, I realized that I should create multiple virtual machines in my own brain! This is truly an advanced methodology! Saying it many times is not an exaggeration: learning to think like a computer scientist is equivalent to learning from the smartest people on Earth.
后来，我意识到我应该在自己的大脑中创建多个虚拟机！这确实是一种先进的方法！说很多遍并不夸张：学会像计算机科学家一样思考，就相当于向地球上最聪明的人学习。

So, when I have some free time, I read several books about astrology and star signs. When I need to communicate with people who like these concepts, I open a virtual machine and run an operating system similar to theirs.
所以，当我有空闲时间时，我会读几本关于占星术和星座的书。当我需要与喜欢这些概念的人交流时，我会打开一个虚拟机并运行一个类似于他们的操作系统。

It’s a win-win situation. Furthermore, when I have free time, I pondered the thought patterns of older relatives and specifically created a “virtual machine image” for them. In certain situations when I have to interact with them, I open this virtual machine image.
这是一个双赢的局面。此外，当我有空闲时间时，我会思考年长亲戚的思维模式，并专门为他们创建了一个“虚拟机映像”。在某些情况下，当我必须与他们交互时，我会打开此虚拟机映像。

It was only then that I realized I had actually been doing this for a long time! When I was teaching, the reason why my students felt I was a “good teacher” was simply because I was essentially running a virtual machine with the same operating system as theirs in my head, which allowed me to understand the results they produced and consequently have clear solutions.
直到那时，我才意识到我实际上已经这样做了很长时间！当我教书时，我的学生之所以觉得我是一个“好老师”，仅仅是因为我本质上是在运行一个虚拟机，在我的脑海中运行着与他们相同的操作系统，这让我能够理解他们产生的结果，从而有明确的解决方案。

It’s a true joy to apply the appropriate methodology.
应用适当的方法是一种真正的乐趣。